The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
bury ourselves
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”