Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
are there any atheist mantises?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.