If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Girl, same.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
what kind of cook setting is this??
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up