*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If you love someone, let them sleep.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police