TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You Might Also Like
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
This came to me in a dream.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”