Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
incredible
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.