How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.