Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old