How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You sure about that?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”