Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
How to find Kentucky on a map
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
This is the one
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on