Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?