Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.