“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
WTF IS THAT!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.