Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.