[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?