My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*