Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude