Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
No, he would not have.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.