It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Wait a minute…
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Great game to play with friends
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
guys I’m going home
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”