Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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Ah yes. The three genders
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get