Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.