Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?