Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
12653.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse