Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.