The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
what does he know…
eggs benadryl
This made me chuckle.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
this is the best day of my life
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]