People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*Seductively hides in the woods
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.