Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
We’ve all been there
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention