Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.