DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My blood type is coffee.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Bed should get ready for ME
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
DOOO EEEET
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.