*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.