I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You Might Also Like
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Worth the read.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere