Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.