According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
You Might Also Like
Whoa… oh I see lol
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver