I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
WHY?!
How wrong was this guy?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.