If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
😜
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
emergency phone
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?