YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.