date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
You Might Also Like
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
When you’re Kinky but poor
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian