RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A drum solo but on your face.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly