If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
This did not end as expected.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.