Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The sacred texts.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.