maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Many hands make light work
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked