If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Two types of dogs.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.