If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR