People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You Might Also Like
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I’m giving up for Lent.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”