[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons