“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You Might Also Like
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.