“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!