Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.