If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
finally found a reasonable question
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Extremely relatable.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*