I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message